I am a psychopath. At least, that’s what they say. But what does that really mean? Am I just a monster, incapable of feeling empathy or guilt? Or is there more to it than that?
As I sit here, alone in my room, I try to understand who I am and why I am the way I am. My thoughts swirl around in my head like a maelstrom of darkness, one moment focused and clear, the next jumbled and confusing.
I think back to my childhood, trying to find some clue as to where it all went wrong. But the memories are hazy, distorted by time and my own twisted perspective. All I can recall are snippets of moments, disconnected from one another.
I remember feeling different from the other kids at school. They seemed to have a natural understanding of social norms and emotions, but it was all foreign to me. I didn’t understand why they cried or laughed or got angry. It was like I was observing everything from behind a glass wall, unable to fully participate in their world.
As I got older, I learned to mimic their behaviors and emotions, but it always felt like I was putting on a mask. Inside, I was still that detached observer, watching and calculating, but never truly feeling.
I’ve always been fascinated by death and violence. As a child, I would sneak out of my bedroom at night to watch horror movies, relishing in the thrill of being scared. I would also spend hours playing violent video games, immersing myself in the gore and destruction.
With time, my fascination with death and violence only grew. I would seek out real-life accounts of murders and serial killers, reading about their twisted and disturbing crimes with a sense of morbid curiosity. I even began collecting true crime memorabilia, like autographed letters from convicted killers and replica murder weapons.
But it wasn’t just a fascination with death and violence that I had. I also had a desire to cause harm and suffering to others. I would often get into fights and arguments, not because I was angry or upset, but because I enjoyed the feeling of control and power that it gave me.
It wasn’t until I was an adult that I was diagnosed as a psychopath. It was like a light bulb went off in my head, explaining all the pieces that didn’t fit together. But it also filled me with a sense of dread and self-loathing. How could I be this way? How could I be so broken and damaged?
I try to fight against the label, to be more than just a psychopath. I try to feel and connect with others, to find some sense of humanity within myself. But it’s a constant struggle, one that I fear I may never fully win.
I’ve often mistreated others without realizing it. I’ll say or do things that are hurtful or thoughtless, not because I want to cause harm, but because I don’t fully understand the impact of my actions.
One time, I remember lashing out at a coworker during a meeting because they disagreed with my idea. I couldn’t handle the feeling of being challenged or rejected, so I belittled and berated them in front of everyone. I still remember the look of shock and hurt on their face.
It’s a constant source of guilt and shame for me, knowing that I’ve caused pain to people I care about. But at the same time, I’m not sure if I fully feel that guilt and shame in the same way that others do. It’s like a concept that I understand intellectually, but it doesn’t fully resonate with me emotionally.
I’ve often wished that I could feel more, that I could connect with others on a deeper level and understand their emotions in a more intuitive way. But it’s a constant struggle, one that I fear I may never fully overcome.
I know that I need to work on myself, to try to be more mindful of others and to try to understand and express my own emotions in a more healthy way. But it’s a difficult journey, and one that I’m not sure I’m fully equipped to undertake.
I’ve always struggled with romantic relationships. It’s not that I don’t want them, or that I don’t care about the other person. But it’s hard for me to understand and express my own emotions, and even harder to understand and respond to the emotions of others.
I’ve had a few relationships over the years, but they’ve always been short-lived and tumultuous. I’ll start off strong, trying my best to be attentive and affectionate, but eventually, my lack of emotional depth and understanding becomes a barrier that I can’t overcome.
I used my charm and charisma to manipulate and deceive romantic partners. I played with their emotions, leading them on and making them believe that I cared about them, when all along I was only using them for my own selfish desires. I still think about the pain and heartbreak that I caused them, and the way that I so easily discarded them when I was done.
I want to make it clear that I have never been physically abusive in any of my relationships. While I may struggle with emotional intimacy and understanding, I do not condone violence or abuse in any form. It’s important to note that not all psychopaths are necessarily violent or abusive. In fact, many people with psychopathic traits are able to live normal, successful lives without engaging in harmful behavior.
But even so, I can’t help but wonder if there’s something deeper and more sinister lurking within me. Something that I can’t control or understand, something that drives me to do things that are hurtful or destructive.
I’ve always felt like I’m at war with myself, torn between the desire to be a better person and the fear of who I really am. And as I sit here in the darkness, I can’t shake the feeling that maybe, just maybe, I am a monster after all.