When Shakespeare Became a Kardashian

William Shakespeare in his bed in the 16th century

I, William Shakespeare, stand backstage at the Globe Theater, the adrenaline from another successful performance coursing through my veins. As the curtain falls and the audience erupts in applause, I can’t help but feel a sense of dissatisfaction. Don’t get me wrong, the adoration of the crowd is a heady feeling, but I can’t shake the feeling that there must be more to life than this.

I am already a legend, my plays known and loved the world over. But is that enough? As I make my way home, I can’t shake the feeling that I am meant for something more. I fall into a restless sleep, my dreams filled with the weight of my own ambition.

“God, please raise my fame and acclaim to the greatest possible prospect,” I whisper into the darkness, before rolling over and trying to find some measure of peace.

I wake up to the sound of unfamiliar voices and the bright glare of artificial lights. Groggily, I open my eyes and find myself in a strange room, surrounded by unfamiliar faces.

“Who are you people?” I croak, my voice rough with sleep.

“Uncle Bill, it’s us, your beloved Kardashian family,” says a woman with long, dark hair and a kind smile. “I’m Kris, your sister.”

I stare at her, completely bewildered. Sister? I have no sister. And what is this “Kardashian” of which she speaks?

“Where am I?” I ask, my head spinning.

“You’re in my house, Bill,” Kris explains patiently. “You’re a part of our family. And we’re filming for our reality show.”

Reality show? Filming? I have no idea what she’s talking about.

“I think you have me mistaken for someone else,” I tell her, trying to sit up. “I am William Shakespeare, playwright and actor.”

Kris’s eyes widen in surprise. “Oh my goodness, you really don’t know who you are, do you?” she says, a look of concern crossing her face. “Well, we’ll figure this all out. But first, let’s get you something to eat and drink. You must be starving.”

As Kris bustles out of the room, I can’t help but feel a sense of confusion and disorientation. How did I end up in this strange place, among these people who call themselves my family? And what has happened to the world while I was sleeping?

I sit up in bed, trying to make sense of everything that Kris has just told me. Reality shows, cameras, Kardashians… none of it makes any sense to me. But despite my confusion, I can’t deny that I am starving.

Kris returns with a tray of food and encourages me to eat. I ravenously devour the sandwiches and fruit, realizing that it must have been some time since my last meal. As I eat, Kris introduces me to the rest of her family – Kim, Kourtney, Khloe, Kylie, and Kendall. They all greet me warmly, as if they have known me their entire lives.

“It’s so good to see you, Uncle Bill,” says Kendall, a tall and slender young woman with striking features. “We’ve missed you so much.”

I stare at her, completely bewildered. How can they miss me if we have never met?

“I’m sorry, but I think there has been some sort of misunderstanding,” I say, trying to make sense of the situation. “I am William Shakespeare, not this ‘Uncle Bill’ of whom you speak.”

Kris looks at me with a mixture of concern and confusion. “Bill, I understand that you’re confused, but you have to trust me when I say that you are a part of this family,” she says gently. “We’ll help you figure everything out, but for now, just try to relax and enjoy being home.”

I nod, still not fully understanding what is happening but feeling too exhausted to argue. I decide to try and go along with it for now, hoping that some answers will reveal themselves in time.

I reluctantly get out of bed, still feeling a sense of disorientation and confusion. As I walk around the unfamiliar house, the Kardashian family follows me closely, their eyes filled with concern.

“I think you might be suffering from amnesia, Uncle Bill,” says Kim, her voice filled with concern. “We just want to help you get your memory back.”

I nod, still trying to wrap my head around the fact that I am apparently a part of this family. Everywhere I go, there are these things called “cameras” following my every move. It’s all very strange and disorienting.

“What are these cameras for?” I ask, gesturing to the devices that seem to be everywhere.

“They’re for our reality show,” explains Kourtney. “We film our lives and it airs on television for people to watch.”

Reality show. Television. It’s all so perplexing. I can’t even begin to comprehend the world that I have awoken to.

William Shakespeare in a 21st century house while he is being filmed by a video cameraman

“I think we should take Uncle Bill to the doctor,” says Khloe, her brow furrowed with concern. “He needs to get checked out and see if we can figure out what’s going on.”

I nod in agreement, grateful for the chance to get some answers. I follow Khloe out the door and into a shiny, modern car, feeling more lost and bewildered than ever.

As Khloe drives us to the doctor, she patiently explains the concept of television and reality shows to me. Despite my bemusement, I start to grasp the idea that I have somehow jumped into an outlandish, futuristic reality.

“So people watch other people’s lives on these televisions?” I ask, still trying to wrap my head around the concept.

“Yes, exactly,” Khloe says, a hint of a smile on her lips. “It’s a way for people to get a glimpse into the lives of others. And our family has been fortunate enough to have our own reality show for many years now.”

I shake my head, still struggling to understand. “But why would anyone want to watch the lives of others?” I ask.

“I think it’s because people are curious and want to see what other people are like,” Khloe explains. “Plus, it can be entertaining to watch the drama and adventures of other people.”

I nod, still not fully grasping the concept but trying my best to keep an open mind. As we arrive at the doctor’s office, I can’t help but feel a sense of dread and unease. What if there is something seriously wrong with me? What if I am stuck in this strange world forever?

Before we enter the doctor’s office, I turn to Khloe and thank her for being so sweet and patient with me. She smiles and gives me a hug.

“Of course, Uncle Bill,” she says. “I’ll do whatever I can to help you. And I’ve had a lot of practice taking care of someone, after my experience with my ex-husband.”

I nod, not fully understanding the reference to an ex-husband but grateful for her kindness all the same. We enter the doctor’s office and take a seat in the waiting room. As we sit there, surrounded by the hum of modern technology and the bustling activity of the clinic, I can’t help but still feel a sense of unease.

“What if there is something seriously wrong with me?” I ask Khloe, my voice tinged with fear.

“Don’t worry, Uncle Bill,” she says, patting my hand reassuringly. “We’ll get to the bottom of whatever is going on. And in the meantime, we’ll do everything we can to help you.”

I nod, feeling a sense of gratitude and appreciation for Khloe and the rest of the Kardashian family. Despite the strange circumstances that have brought us together, I can’t help but feel grateful to have them by my side.

After a series of tests, the doctor returns with a smile on her face. “Good news, Mr. Jenner,” she says. “There doesn’t seem to be anything physically wrong with you. It looks like your amnesia might be the result of a botched botox treatment.”

I stare at her in confusion. Botox? Treatment? None of this makes any sense to me.

“I’m sorry, but I have no idea what you’re talking about,” I tell the doctor, feeling a sense of frustration.

“Well, it looks like you had some work done to your face recently,” the doctor explains. “And it looks like something went wrong during the procedure. It’s possible that the amnesia is a temporary side effect of the botox.”

I shake my head, still feeling completely puzzled. How could I have undergone some sort of procedure without knowing it? And what is this “botox” of which she speaks?

“I think there has been some sort of mistake,” I tell the doctor, feeling a sense of frustration. “I am William Shakespeare, playwright and actor. I have no memory of any botox treatment.”

The doctor looks at me with a mixture of concern and confusion. “Well, we’ll keep running some tests and see if we can’t get to the bottom of things,” she says. “In the meantime, try to relax and see if any memories start to come back.”

I nod, feeling a sense of resignation. It looks like I am stuck in this strange world for the time being, with no clear answers in sight.

As we sit in the doctor’s office, my head still spinning with confusion, something called a “phone” rings.

“Oh, excuse me,” says Khloe, pulling a small device out of her pocket. “It’s Kim. Hey, what’s up?”

I stare at the device in confusion. It’s unlike anything I’ve ever seen before – a flat, rectangular object with a glowing screen. As Khloe carries on a conversation with someone named Kim – I think I met her earler – I can’t help but feel even more mystified.

“I think we should get Uncle Bill back to his normal day-to-day life,” says Kim, her voice coming through the device loud and clear. “Maybe that will help jog his memory.”

“I agree,” says Khloe. “I’ll take him to the studio. He has a meeting with you for a lingerie shoot today.”

I stare at her, completely dazed. A studio? A lingerie shoot? None of this makes any sense to me.

“I’m sorry, but I don’t understand,” I say, feeling a sense of frustration. “What is all of this about?”

“It’s okay, Uncle Bill,” says Khloe, patting my hand reassuringly. “We’ll take it slow and explain everything to you. But for now, let’s just focus on getting you back to your normal routine. Maybe that will help your memory come back.”

I nod, feeling a sense of resignation again. It seems that no matter what I do, I am unable to escape this strange and bewildering world. All I can do is try my best to go along with it and hope that some answers will reveal themselves in time.

As Khloe leads me to the studio, she explains the concept of modeling and photoshoots to me. Despite my confusion, I try my best to listen and understand, determined to make sense of this world. When we arrive at the studio, I am greeted by a group of friendly faces, including Kim and a team of stylists and photographers.

“Welcome back, Uncle Bill,” says Kim with a warm smile. “We’re so glad you’re feeling better. Are you ready to get started on the shoot?”

I nod, still feeling a sense of uncertainty but determined to make the most of the situation. As the stylists help me into a variety of lingerie, I can’t help but feel a sense of self-consciousness. I am, after all, a man of the theater, not a model. But as the cameras flash and the team works their magic, I start to feel more at ease. Maybe this is just another role to play, I think to myself. And if anyone knows how to play a role, it’s me.

William Shakespeare being photographed as a swimsuit model by a photographer

As the shoot comes to a close, I can’t help but feel a sense of accomplishment. Despite my confusion and uncertainty, I was able to put on a brave face and get through the day. And who knows, maybe this strange new world isn’t so scary after all.

As we return to the house, Kim compliments me on my performance at the photoshoot, saying that I was a natural and very sexy model. The rest of the family nods in agreement, and I can’t help but feel a sense of pride. Maybe this isn’t such a bad world after all, I think to myself. Maybe I can make a new life here, despite my confusion and lack of memories.

But my thoughts are interrupted as Kourtney orders McDonald’s for me, saying that I had always loved it. I stare at her in confusion, not remembering any such thing. But as the food arrives and I take a bite, a feeling of recognition washes over me. This is delicious, I think to myself. I do love McDonald’s.

As I wolf down the food, I can’t help but feel a sense of gratitude towards the Kardashian family. Despite my confusion and lack of memories, they have been nothing but kind and supportive. And as I get ready for bed, hoping that the next day will be a little less confusing, I can’t help but feel a sense of hope and optimism. Maybe, just maybe, I can find my way in this bizarre reality after all.

The following day, I wake up to the sounds of loud fighting coming from the next room. As I groggily make my way out of bed, I see that Kourtney and Khloé are locked in a heated argument.

“You can’t seriously be considering getting butt implants,” Kourtney says, her voice laced with frustration. “It’s such a risky and unnecessary procedure.”

“But I want to feel more confident and sexy,” Khloé replies, her voice just as heated. “And besides, I’ve always admired Kim’s curves. I just want to feel the same way.”

I watch the argument with confusion, not fully understanding the concept of plastic surgery or the desire for a certain body type. But as the argument continues to escalate, I feel a sense of responsibility to try and mediate.

“Ladies, please,” I say, holding up my hands in a calming gesture. “There must be some way we can resolve this without resorting to violence.”

But as I try to make peace, I am suddenly hit by a pillow, thrown by an angry Khloé.

“Oof,” I grunt, rubbing my head. “Perhaps a more peaceful resolution would be for Khloé to simply speak with a doctor and consider the risks and benefits before making a decision.”

To my surprise, my words seem to have an impact. The fighting ceases, and Kourtney and Khloé both nod, seeming to consider my suggestion. As the tension in the room dissipates, I can’t help but feel a sense of accomplishment. Maybe I am more useful in this strange new world than I thought.

After a calm and delicious morning coffee, I am finally feeling relaxed and ready to tackle the day. As I sit in the kitchen, enjoying the peace and quiet, Kris enters and invites me to help her organize a house party she is throwing for Kendall. I stare at her in shock as she explains the details of the party – a lavish and over-the-top celebration with multiple rooms of entertainment, an open bar, and a guest list of over 500 people.

“Are you sure this is necessary?” I ask, feeling a sense of disbelief. “Surely a simple gathering with close friends and family would suffice?”

But Kris just laughs and waves away my concerns. “Oh, Bill, you have so much to relearn about the 21st century,” she says with a wink. “In this world, it’s all about excess and extravagance. And besides, Kendall deserves the best send-off before she heads off to model with sea turtles in Europe.”

I shake my head, still feeling astonished by the extravagance of it all. In my time, a simple dinner party with friends and family was more than sufficient for any occasion. But as I help Kris plan the party, I can’t help but feel a sense of excitement. Despite my confusion and disbelief, I am slowly starting to embrace this strange new world and all of its excesses. And who knows, maybe this party will be the start of a new and exciting chapter in my life.

As the party finally begins, I am pleasantly surprised by the wide array of gourmet food and drinks available. I especially enjoy trying some of the more unusual and exotic dishes, intrigued by the flavors and textures.

But as I make my way through the crowded rooms of the party, I can’t help but be struck by the flamboyant attire of the guests. From sparkling jewels to elaborate costumes, it is like a theater come to life. I can’t help but feel a sense of nostalgia and longing for my old life as a playwright.

As I stand lost in thought, Caitlyn approaches me and introduces herself. She tells me that she has heard about my situation and offers her support. I listen with fascination as she explains her own journey of transitioning from male to female, and the importance of living true to oneself.

“I know it must be confusing for you to be in a new world with no memories,” Caitlyn says, her voice filled with understanding. “But try to remember that life is a journey and we all have the right to live it on our own terms. Don’t be afraid to be true to yourself, no matter what others may think.”

I nod, feeling a sense of appreciation and gratitude towards Caitlyn. Her words resonate with me, and I can’t help but feel a sense of hope for the future.

As the party continues to swirl around us, Caitlyn and I decide to take a walk outside to clear our minds and enjoy the fresh air. As we wander through the quiet streets, we find ourselves talking and laughing late into the night, realizing that we have a deep connection and understanding of each other.

But as the night wears on and we find ourselves drawn closer and closer together, a sense of fear and uncertainty begins to grow within me. I am falling in love with Caitlyn, but I am also well aware of the societal norms and expectations of this strange new world. And as Kris’s brother who saw her marriage to Bruce before he turned into Caitlyn, I am afraid of how she will react to my feelings for Caitlyn.

“I know it’s crazy,” Caitlyn says, sensing my hesitation. “But I can’t help how I feel. I think we have something special here, and I don’t want to lose it.”

I nod, feeling the same way. “I agree,” I say, taking her hand in mine. “But we have to be careful. Kris is my sister, and I don’t want to cause any trouble or hurt anyone’s feelings.”

Caitlyn nods, understanding my concerns. “I understand,” she says. “But I also think it’s important to be true to ourselves and follow our hearts. Maybe we can figure out a way to make it work.”

William Shakespeare walks hand-in-hand in the street with Caitlyn Jenner

After much contemplation and discussion, Caitlyn and I decide that we can’t lose another moment without each other. We determine to divulge our love to the family over dinner, hoping that they will understand and accept us.

As we sit down to dinner, the usual chaos ensues – arguments, shouts, cries, and laughter filling the air. But through it all, Caitlyn manages to keep everyone silent for a moment, and we stand up to reveal our love to the entire Kardashian family.

At first, there is a moment of stunned silence as everyone absorbs our words. But then, to our surprise and relief, the family begins to smile and nod. Even Kris, who I had been most worried about, gives us her blessing with a warm and loving embrace.

“I always knew you were meant for happiness, Bill,” she says with a wink. “And I’m so happy to see you and Caitlyn find it together.”

As we sit back down to finish dinner, I can’t help but feel a sense of joy and gratitude. Despite the many challenges and obstacles we have faced, Caitlyn and I have found love in this world. And with the support and acceptance of the Kardashian family, I feel confident that we can make it work.

“This is all so trashy,” Kim says with a laugh.

“You know what, Kim?” I say with a grin. “Even the great William Shakespeare was considered trashy in his time.”

This short story was created by ChatGPT and the images by DALL-E 2. Edited by Omri Shabath.