The live contest began with a dramatic introduction by the host, who stood in front of a flashy backdrop with a microphone in hand. “Welcome to the top story of 2022 contest, where viewers worldwide will vote for the biggest news of the year! We have a star-studded lineup of contenders, each with a story that has captured the attention of the world. Let’s meet our first contestant, Russia’s President Vladimir Putin!”
Putin strode confidently onto the stage, his piercing blue eyes scanning the audience. “My fellow citizens of the world,” he began. “I present to you the top story of 2022: Russia’s invasion of Ukraine. Now, I know what you’re thinking – how could a war be the top story of the year? But let me tell you, this is no ordinary war. It’s an epic struggle for power, for territory, for the very survival of our great nation. And despite some setbacks, I can assure you that victory is within our grasp. Just wait and see.”
The host nodded gravely. “Thank you, President Putin. Our next contestant is the Chair of the Federal Reserve Jerome Powell, who has a story that could affect us all in a very real way.”
The Chair of the Federal Reserve stepped forward, a serious expression on his face. “The top story of 2022 is the surge in global inflation. With economies around the world struggling to recover from the pandemic, we have seen a steep increase in the cost of goods and services. This has had a ripple effect on every aspect of society, from food and shelter to healthcare and education. It’s a crisis that requires immediate action, and the Federal Reserve is working tirelessly to address it. Trust me, this is a story that will have long-lasting consequences for us all.”
The host turned to the next contestant, who was none other than Johnny Depp and Amber Heard, both dressed in sharp suits and standing awkwardly on opposite sides of the stage. “Our third contestant is a Hollywood drama that has captivated the world. Johnny Depp and Amber Heard, who have been locked in a bitter legal battle over allegations of abuse, are here to present their side of the story.”
Johnny Depp stepped forward, his face contorted with anger. “Ladies and gentlemen, the top story of 2022 is the shocking tale of how I, Johnny Depp, was falsely accused of domestic abuse by my ex-wife Amber Heard. It’s a story of lies, of manipulation, of a malicious attempt to ruin my reputation and career. And I can assure you, the truth came out in court. Yes, this is a story that has shocked and disgusted the world.”
Amber Heard rolled her eyes and stepped forward. “Don’t believe a word he says. The top story of 2022 is the ongoing fight for justice for survivors of domestic abuse. I have bravely come forward with my story, and I stand with all survivors in their quest for justice. Johnny Depp may try to paint himself as the victim, but the truth is, he is a dangerous and abusive man. And no, nothing is over, I won’t rest until he is held accountable for his actions.”
The host raised his hands, trying to calm the tension between the two. “Thank you, Johnny and Amber. Our next contestant is the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, John Roberts, who has a story that has sparked outrage and controversy around the world.”
The Chief Justice stepped forward, his face grave. “The top story of 2022 is the Supreme Court’s decision to overrule Roe v. Wade, the landmark case that legalized abortion in the United States. This decision has sparked outrage and protests across the country, as women’s reproductive rights hang in the balance. It is a decision that will have far-reaching consequences, and one that has been met with fierce opposition from women’s rights groups. But as the highest court in the land, it is our duty to interpret and uphold the constitution, and we stand by our decision.”
The host nodded and turned to the next contestant, who received a chorus of boos and jeers as he walked onto the stage. “Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome former President Donald Trump.”
Trump grinned and waved to the crowd, seemingly unfazed by the negative reception. “Thank you, thank you. The top story of 2022, my friends, is the FBI’s seizure of top-secret documents from my Mar-a-Lago resort. Now, I know what you’re thinking – how could this be the top story of the year? But let me tell you, this is no ordinary seizure. It’s a political witch hunt, a blatant attempt to discredit and undermine me. And I can assure you, I have nothing to hide. The documents will reveal the truth, and I have no doubt that I will be fully exonerated. As my friend Vlad just said, just wait and see.”
The host shook his head and moved on to the next contestant, who received a raucous round of applause. “Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the former Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, Boris Johnson.”
Johnson stepped forward, a broad grin on his face. “Thank you, thank you. The top story of 2022, my friends, is my resignation as Prime Minister after a series of ethics scandals. Now, let me tell you, this is no ordinary resignation. It’s a triumphant victory for democracy, it was a chance for the people of the UK to choose a new leader who will take the country forward. And I have no doubt that I will go down in history as a hero, a champion of the people.”
The host raised an eyebrow. “Uh, thank you, Prime Minister. Our next contestant is the King of England, His Royal Highness King Charles.”
King Charles stepped forward, a solemn expression on his face. “The top story of 2022, my friends, is the death of my beloved mother, Queen Elizabeth II. After 70 years as reigning monarch, her majesty passed away surrounded by her family and loved ones. It was a poignant and emotional moment for the entire nation, and one that will be remembered for generations to come. We will all miss her dearly, but her legacy will live on forever.”
The host nodded respectfully. “Thank you, Your Royal Highness. Our next contestant is a sports legend, the one and only Leo Messi.”
Messi strode onto the stage, his face alight with excitement. “The top story of 2022, my friends, is the historic win of the World Cup by Argentina, led by none other than yours truly. It was an epic showdown against France, a match that will go down in history as one of the greatest of all time. And let me tell you, it was no easy feat. But with hard work, determination, and a little bit of magic, we came out on top. It was a moment of pure joy and celebration, and one that will be remembered for a lifetime.”
The host chuckled. “Thank you, Leo. Our final contestant is a man who needs no introduction – the one and only Elon Musk.”
Musk sauntered onto the stage, his eyes twinkling with mischief. “The top story of 2022, my friends, is the acquisition of Twitter by yours truly for a whopping sum of $44 billion. That’s right, I now own the social media platform that has brought so much joy and entertainment to the world. And with my vision and leadership, I have no doubt that Twitter will reach new heights of success. So remember, when you tweet, you’re tweeting to the boss. And trust me, I have big plans for the future of Twitter.”
The host shook his head in amazement. “Wow, thank you, Elon. Our final contestant needs no introduction either – it’s the one and only… God.”
God appeared on stage in a burst of light, his face grave. “The top story of 2022, my friends, is the record-breaking heatwaves that have swept across the globe. It’s a story that has been overlooked, but it’s one that should concern us all. The heatwaves are a result of human beings polluting the environment, and unless we take immediate action to reduce our carbon emissions, the consequences will be catastrophic. It’s a wake-up call, my friends, and one that we should all take seriously.”
The host nodded gravely. “Thank you, God. And now, it’s time for the final vote. Who will be crowned the top story of 2022? The world is watching, and the stakes are high. Let’s see who comes out on top.”
The votes were counted, and the results were announced to a tense and anxious audience.
In third place, it was Argentina and Messi’s World Cup win.
In second place, it was Russia’s invasion of Ukraine.
And in first place, it was the record-breaking heatwaves.
As the winners were announced, all the losers erupted in anger and protest. Putin stormed off the stage, vowing to win the war at any cost. The Chair of the Federal Reserve shook his head in despair, worrying about the future of the global economy. Johnny Depp and Amber Heard glared at each other, ready to rekindle their legal battle. The Chief Justice of the Supreme Court defended his decision, while Boris Johnson laughed off his resignation. King Charles mourned the loss of his mother, and Leo Messi grudgingly accepted his defeat while taking solace in embracing the World Cup trophy. Elon Musk shrugged, already plotting his next business venture.
God tried to calm everybody down, but eventually he stopped in desperation. “I give up,” he said, throwing up his hands. “You humans are impossible to please. I’m going back to heaven, where at least things make sense.”
And with that, the chaotic pandemonium came to an end, leaving the audience to ponder the events of the night and the stories that had shaped the year.